The Line Between Good and Bad

Confidence...

2007-04-26T10:43:00.000+08:00

its been like what a week since i blogged.. yes i was emo and yes i meant everything i say.. actually im still in quite the same state... i can write how much i want but what is in my heart will not go away... anyways what i wanna do is talk about confidence...

Theoratically confidence means having the belief in my own abilities like self-assurance in my ability to succeed.. its easy to say to do but its reli hard to have confidence.. i said this because right now im reli low in confidence..i do not have much belief in myself like the confidence to carry myself out to face the world.. who cares abt it...? no one but me.. i have no choice but to care abt it coz it is me obviously and no matter how i try to rule it out, its me so i cant deny it.. so basically i cant carry myself out right now... no matter how hard i try.. its like im thinking i cant do anything good and all i do is bad things.. thats what the ppl around tell me.. like i have no good in my life... how to get confidence in this manner? the good i think im doing is bad to other people... so im lost.. what am i suppose to do... do bad things then the others will think im doing good? i remain lost.. as usual...

Yea so im very busy with the final year project now... seems tough in the beginning... well how can a fyp dont be tough.. but as soon as we got things going it seems quite straight forward... sch is getting harder and harder day by day and nothing is going right between me n her... like can anything go in the right path right now!!! it sucks big time man..

yea so i was going through friendster and saw my nephew's account... and i saw the testimonials.. its amazing how things can turn to... the best thing was that i did everything for my nephew and tried to help him have a good time around me and never said something bad abt him coz he is reli a good kid... i even took care of him and helped him during the time i need to do work in school to give him advice.. what can i say now.. he is reli a good kid and i hope he is happy with the decision he has made and wish him no hurt in the future.. the part that reli sucks was that i neva spoke ill of him and the person who assisted him in the decision have said ill things abt him to me and i was juz keeping quiet.. and juz look what it becomes now.. im the one who lost a nephew and so called be the bad influence... oh well.. thats the way the world is.. i cant do shit abt it but think to myself about it...

anyways yea im in school and im looking forward to the upcoming events within the next few days.. at the same time.. still fighting for her... where has my confidence i once was full of gone to????

a person who scolds other people's parents dont have respect for their own parents...

cheers
nash

imu

Lost.....

2007-04-12T23:05:00.000+08:00

its been more than 2 months since i last blog.. i cant say im busy but pure laziness... many things have happened in these two months.. most of them are negative.. actually everything was basically.. yea there was my birthday and all but that wasnt important... what was the most important thing was what happened in march... me losing the gal i love.. and it all falls to blame myself.. if i hadnt have done that.. i wouldnt have lost her..the other party can bark and blap whateva she wants but i cant b bothered.. coz she dont mean anything to me.. but the gal i love that i lost.. means everything to me...

since i lost her.. ive been thinking of all the times we had the past 3+ years... and everything was juz gone juz like that.. yea we had our downs... but i was thinkin of the ups.. the first time we met.. the first kiss basically the first everything... and also the good times.. sentosa.. vivo.. town.. clubbing everything.. i dont blam her for a single thing.. coz its all my fault.. i can beg her everyday and all but haiz.. she doesnt turn to my way.. its like i lost an organ in my body that i cant live without.. my heart...she means so much to me.. that it juz feels unwell not having her with me.. like im lost.. im lost in m own world wondering what i can do... i want her to have everything good... but haiz if she doesnt want me what can i do.... i can beg her my whole life but if nothing comes to avail what can i do... im left alone.. i dont say i dont deserve it i do... she has given me many chances to change but i screw it up all... haiz if i only got this one last chance.. i wont break it... ill do everything i can juz to have that and if i get that.. ill cherish it like i have neva cherished anything in the world... i love her.. ill always will... i want her back... i want her in my arms agen.. i want to shower love on her... i want to give her everything she wants.. i want to be the one by her side at any moment of time... right now i reli miss her..tried talking to her but haiz... it never worked out.. i wish there was something i could do.. she said nothing.. thats y i said im lost. i still remain lost.. me not having her is like me not breathing... whats left? i miss her.. yes i miss u if u r reading this.. i broke many promises ive let u down many times... i dun wanna do it anymore.. i wan u smiling and thats what that matters... i reli want u back.. im sorry i love u....

Down with the sickness...

2007-01-30T11:06:00.000+08:00

hey pplz.. it has been more than a week since i last blogged... oh well nothing much has happened since then.. she came back from india last sunday and we met up a couple of times since then..it was first on tuesday when she had to hand up her assignments and we rushed here n there and finally got all of it done.... then went seeshaing and watch movies last wednesday and have not seen her since then.. she also showed me the pictures she took when she was there.. its great to hear that she had lots of fun there..

i also went to see Risshabh last thursday.. u can really lose weight playing with him man.. he never sits down.. well actually he never walks he just runs all the time... and he doesnt get tired.. hes learning very fast now and when he wants something he says 'layna' means want in hindi.. its kinda interesting seeing how these kids grow up and how fast they learn

since last nite ive been feeling bloody sick.. i couldnt sleep at nite at all.. i have no idea wat kept me up.. i kept tossing and turning.. tried calling her but to no avail.... and fuck rite now in school im having body aches and fever.. its really sickening as today theres a test and im trying hard to study for it but juz cant concentrate. feeling too darn sick... i hate this damn feeling man...

Thaipusam is coming! its time of the year again.. im carrying this year after carrying the past 3 yrs.. im some sort of taking a short break but ill go and support my friends. i will probably be going at 3 plus in the morning first to see Mitu, Amit all carry with BB. And then go school and again in the evening go for amar... its gona be a tiring day and i hope the sickness goes away in time for that...

till then

adious amigos

arghhhhh

2007-01-19T08:47:00.000+08:00

Some pictures days before she left....

you know im just missing her like shit...... its been like what 5 days since she called and when i found that she was online yesterday cause she posted in her blog, i was like.. what the fuck damn i wasnt online... juz kept thinking of her and even gng throug sleepless nites man.... juz 3 more days before she comes back and i hope the days dont come slowly cause it will then take ages before she comes back.. im juz gona keep staying online having the glimpse of hope she will come online or even better call me and if u are seeing this call me!!!!!!

now im in school so tired and lazy... hardly slept last nite.. got UT today even though i havent even studied a single bit.. nothing comes over my mind except her.. what the hell mannn!!!!

anyways gtg

adious!!!

Missing u....

2007-01-18T15:29:00.000+08:00

Its only three more days until she comes back.... but she has not called me at all since Monday... that makes it worst man... ive been feeling so weird not talking to her.. been thinking of her practically all the time... and it hurts!!!! so since u are coming back on Sunday.... can u at least call me while u r there...

yesterday me and the guys went to watch the singapore-indonesia match... we sat at the border opposite of where the indonesian fans were sitting.. half the time scolding and cursing at them then watching the game.. it was reli fun... that oor guy who was reli cursing and scolding them got moved away by the police.. i was juz wondering if what he was saying was so bad as he did not use any physical violence or whatsoever... anyways the game finished 2-2 and singapore are in the semi finals... and well they are gona meet malaysia... our arch rivals.. thats gona be a hell of a game when they come down for the second leg at the national stadium..im draggin her along with me man i dont care.. she has to experience this at least once in her life... trust me darling it will be great...

anyways ill c u guys soon...

adious!!

11-0

2007-01-16T12:59:00.000+08:00

yea im back agen.. this time dieing of boredom again.. when is she gona come back man.. like 5 more days! now i know how she felt when i went to Espana... anyway yesterday was allright.. woek up only around 3 in the afternoon.. spent the whole nite playing game... couldnt sleep man... then was conferencing with rajiv and avtar when i woke up and then of all things we decided to watch the singapore and laos match at the national stadium.... it ended up 11-0 man! wat the hell happened to Laos... thy must have been getting shit from the coach after the game... if i were them i go back alreadi sia.... reli sad case... for singapore its good stuff... maybe more ppl will go watch their match on wednesday... in the papers today i read there were 5,224 people there... so if we werent there it would only be 5,219 but i rajiv jagdeep avtar and shil ad nothing else to do.. the best thing was we only paid 2 bucks each coz we are in poly... how cool is that! watch singapore make history paying only 2 bucks! haha

oH weLL so whats the plans for today... hmm noting... rajiv wanted to put tattoo but that idiot is probably sleeping like an ass.. so maybe juz go play soccer or something later... what else can i do... callie is not here!!! come back la babe... so long alreadi!!! shes been calling me every nite keeping me updated.. she says she stills hates the place... well at least u are getting high there every nite... juz 5 more days to go b 4 u come back.. im counting it down ok! so juz tell ur dad u need to come back so everything settled... anyways im off to make my bed now... take care pplz and will blog soon..

adious!

shes gone.. just for a while :)

2007-01-14T21:44:00.000+08:00

Hey peepz.. its been like a long while since ive last blogged (well seven days is long compared to other ppl!).. so anyways the last week been quite bumpy.. callie has been having her assignments and all so was juz helping her out.. well that was probably what i was doin the whole week :P... oh yea then on friday she left... leaving me alone! she went india for a wedding... u know its reali weird.. i was staying up with her the whole nite.. then in the morning when she left so talked to her for a while when she called from the airport.. then after she left i went to bed... then when i woke up like at 4 plus.. i was like wat the fuck... i didnt know wat to do... i juz got outta be and was thinking to myself.. what the hel am i gonna do next... that left me thinking for some time... soo i ended up playing xbox... what can i do!!!! then yesterday went to dana's place since it was his birthday... pretty cool... something different.. and then he brought us (belanja hahaha) to pizza hut so i and rajiv juz whacked all we cld eat.. still had some space in the end but i called it quits.. rajiv ended up buying ice cream.. give that guy anything chocolate or ice cream... u r gona lose it.. im never gona treat that guy to swensens or ben n jerry's... ill go bankrupt man.. yea so she called me yesterday.. saying shes goin for lodi and it was freaking cold.. im like come back! haha.... too bad she couldnt say anything sweet to me coz her mum was there.. but i did :P... u dont have to know what i said... if i tell u i would have to kill u... anyways today was a normal wet sunday.. no soccer coz of the rain.. went to temple for prayers... see im a good guy! yea came home and been doing that since then... slack man.. juz thinking of what to do next.. suraj sent me this reli cool remix oh mere dil ki chain... im stuck to that song man.. that songs for her... wherever part of india she is... oh mere dil ki chain.. chehna yeh mere dil ko duahkhi jeeyehh.. if my spelling is wrong im sorry babe... still missing u! so pplz ill catch up with u guys soon... cya arnd and peace out!

Clouds in the mind...

2007-01-07T20:55:00.000+08:00

u know im really confused... well in fact it comes to a point i dunno wat to do... if i call, the other party is juz gona put the fone aside and as i continue talking the person will come back and say oh u not finished yet... then wat am i suppose to do.. when i ask a question means im asking whether i can actually do it or not.. if i cant then it doesnt hurt i will just stick to wat i do every night... and then it becomes my fault.. like as though i do not want to talk to the other party... i try my best to explain but nothing comes to avail as the other party juz says im giving excuses after excuses... and then in the end who loses out.. its me... shouldnt i have asked the question in the first place and keep my mouth shut then i guess nothing will be going wrong.. i guess asking questions is as well the wrong thing to do...wether the person is gona say stuff abt me.. then what will people think of me.. i dont care what people think... all i cared abt was for the other party to be happy...asking the question have failed me as it caused the other party to be upset and of coz pissed. Should i juz shut my mouth and dont say anything.. i dont know.. what is the meaning of importance... in terms of priorty i should say... no matter what i do i still do know who or what comes first.. but then in the end im told the priorty i follow is actually wrong... no matter what happens or wat so ever.. i know who is most important to me in my life... but in the end.. the other party doesnt think so... coz i asked a question that made the other party doubt the importance.. in recent times i have tried to do everything i can to show who is important and in the end.. it hits me back really hard.. as though i havent done enough.. what is enough or is it true that it is never enough.. i dunno... im thoroughly confused but what can i do... i will just end up talking to myself on the fone when i want things to become okay... so what can i really do... i continue to sit here the same way.. thinking... thinking of what....? well the position im in... if only there was something i could do...

Long awaited entry!!!!!

2007-01-05T10:55:00.000+08:00

Hey pplz, its been a long long time since i blogged.... like arnd 10-11 days.... the last time was blogging in Valencia juz before christmas... well anyways after getting changed and all for the 'christmas countdown', we went down to the city centre to see whats happening.. what we saw was reli amazing... it was something u would neva expect... the correct thing to say abt the atmosphere was that there was not a single soul in sight besides the four of us!!! yes its true... i aint lieing... we juz kept on walking and it was all dead quiet.... that was like around 2345hrs... so we juz decided to go to the church that claims to hold the 'Holy Grail'.. which is kinda known to us after watching the da vinci code.. however we never got to see it.. yea anyways.. we were at the church and there was a service mass going on.. all quiet.. and then it was 12.05am and what that was happening 10 mins b 4 was the same thing.. no like any countdown or people hugging or whatsoever... yeaps... that was christmas for me...

at the church on chrismas eve

Then we left valencia on the christmas morning and headed back to barcelona.. it was about a few hours drive.. had a few stops here and there but was still looking at the signs as we didnt know much spanish so we were juz hoping we saw the sign barcelona ahead... and then we were back to where we started.. barcelona!

So now we spent the last 3 days of our holidays in the city of barcelona... we went up the mountain coz we saw from quite far at the city and saw that there seemed to be something interesting at the top of the mountain.. we went up there and there wasa a church and an amusement park up there... the church was beautiful and there was a statue of Jesus Christ at the top of the mountain... it looks as though He was watching over the city of Barcelona as the statue was facing the city..

at the top of the mountain facing the church..

so anyways we spend the last few days doing last minute shopping and a bit of sight seeing all before heading back to singapore.. there was a delay so we had to wait like 2 hours in the plane coz there was a fog in Milan... and when we reach milan.. the fog was reli bad that we couldnt see anything in view of more than 10 metres from the screen.. so basically we could hardly see anything..

and then we reached back to Singapore in the morning of 29th december.. that day i went to meet my darlyn.... she finished work at 5pm so i went to fetch and brought the stuff i bought for her.. she better like it man! then she was suppose to go to Eden but it was all cancelled coz her cousin's grandmother passed away.. its reli a sad thing to happen a day before christmas eve... well God has his ways i guess... then came new yrs eve and it was happening.. well that was as far i can remember... we went to bonez first (me, cal, avtar, shilpi and rajiv) coz it was free entry... it was empty.. i could the number of people in there... then we were to the bhngra nite at shenton way.. i forgot the name of it.. well anways it was cool there.. saw many people we knew and we went on drinking the whole nite.. next day feeling all sick...

The next few days after that... everything was pretty normal.. lazing arnd and then had risshabh come over my place.. reeally cute fellar... he learns pretty fast and he picks up things very fast.. cute fellar...

oh well anyways yesterday was the first day of school but i didnt go.. was freaking lazy man... but today.. yea im at school... no choice theres a test later.. well at least theres soccer after school.. been a long time since i last kicked a soccer ball... lets see wether i have learnt anything from watching the great Real Madrid playing and well losing... haha... yea ill cya arnd pplz and till then... adious!!

Last day in Valencia...

2006-12-25T03:39:00.000+08:00

Hey ppl, feliz navidad or merry christmas to those in the east.. im saying that cause its not christmas yet here in Spain... well about 3 hours time then i can celebrate.. well gona go to the city centre soon for the countdown to check out the lights and the atmosphere.. i think this is like the first time im celebrating christmas out of singapore and really gonna experience it.. everything ehre is going fine and shes there clubbing!!! haha have fun girl... we(meaning family and me) will probably be going to the pub soon to have some drinks so maybe it can keep us warm(excuse) hahaha...
tomorrow we will be leaving for barcelona... another 3 hours drive so i gotta wake up early for the drive.. then its 3 more days before i head back to singapore... we will be leaving here on thursday and reaching singapore friday morning... its been a tiring holiday.. been walking alot.. it had ups and downs.. but i still cant wait to see my baby.. haha be patient darlyn.. 3 more days.. anyways people there will not be anymore internet so i will see you ppl agen on the blog when im back in singapore.. take care ppl.. adious!!!!

In Spainnnn!!!!

2006-12-23T02:09:00.000+08:00

Hey people im in Valencia now and its 1845 here... juz reached from Madrid now and theres free internet in the hotel.. how cool is that.. today was not reli a good day i called her and within that short while shit happened.. i wish i cld juz hgelp her out but im helpless.. haiz i wanna talk to her all the time but my parents make noice abt it coz of the bill so i cant help it... anyways went to watch the Real Madrid match and they lost 3-0 to Recreativo i was sitting on the first row behind the corner line...at least not only we but the players will never forget the match... anyways yea this holiday is reli.. i dunno la.. parents behind me now and theres so much i wanna type but cant.. about how inferior i am... how no one will listen to me... or how me being here reli doesnt matter to them...haizzzz.. anywayys there are 6 more days before i get back to Singapore.. counting down the days.. see you ppl!!! adioues

In the airport

2006-12-13T21:54:00.000+08:00

hey people im in the airport noew using the free internet available... u know now im thinking... im really gonna miss my Callie... although its going to spain and all, its still that im rei gona miss her.. been talking to her almost everyday on the fone and it aint gona be the same.... i know i wont get over this... somemore with her assignments dateline coming and im overseas... i reli feel it for her.... if u r reading this darlyn... im gona miss u alot.. it will be 16 days before i come back and ill be thinking of u every moment of it... anyways i going to go now and meet the rest of the homies before heading to the plane... take care and wil be posting in 16 days time... till then ciaoz

Its time to go

2006-12-12T13:39:00.000+08:00

me and the guys at iguana

me and my baby at bumble beez

SAD and excited at the same time.. tomorrow night ill be leaving for Spain.. ill be passing my lappy to my dearest Callie cuse she may want to use it. The past whole week has been allright for me.. Firstly i went to see my dearest samaire in the hospital... gorgeous and she drinks from a cup that is the amazing thing ive seen as i think hospitals are trying to adapt that habit so she does not get too used to the milk bottle.. weird huh... on Saturday I, Callie, Shai Babu Nervin and Mutu went to iguana.. it was happening but wasted the guys didnt get the chilli shots.. nevermind it will be coming soon again.. we went to bumble beez after that.. was the first time there for me and i think hendrix is much more happenin.. the place i used to go wehn i was younger.. we took some crazy pics and it was nice to be out with the gang that nite.. anways yea i wont be blogging for a week and also wont be online for a week.. anyways people ill get pics from Spain and post it up when im back.. ill cya guys around at the year-end.. take care and peace out!

Little Samaire is born!!!

2006-12-05T14:16:00.000+08:00

ok this is when i go ecstatic... Im an uncle!! Arvina(those who dont know me shes my cousin.. closee cousin) has juz given birth to a baby girl this morning!!! de name is Samaire.. what a beautiful name although i do not know how to pronounce it... i bet she reli looks cute.. im so happy for Isaac and Arvina... i cant wait to see the little girl in hospital tomorrow... this has become a day important to me in my entire life !!!! :)

37 months and counting

2006-12-04T23:06:00.000+08:00

my darling having her buffet dinner!!!!

Today to start off was reli a cool day... i got to drive to school!!! then it was usual at school and surprisingly i was in the mood for doing a lot of work.. it was probably my good mood... after school i went to pick her up(she looked so hot today) and we went to catch a movie at The Cathay.. we watched 'Open Season' which was reli cute with all the animals especially the part when the dog ran in the water(remember Callie) haha... yea and after that she brought me to Grand Hyatt hotel for dinner at the Straits Kitchen.. it was really a cool place with lots of variety and i ate to the extent i couldnt eat anymore.. This was probably the first time she saw me full coz im never full... but it was good as even though we were full we juz kept on eating all the deserts finishing it off with some good Mango and Lychee serbet... wat could have gone better on this day.. i reached home around 11..like hmm 10 mins ago and it was one of the days in my life i wont forget... she made it happen.. thanx darling.. anyways ill catch up with u guys as i got (fuck) school tomorrow... cya pplz ~CeSc~

Monday bluezz tomorrow!!!

2006-12-03T23:22:00.000+08:00

Its a sunday and tomorrow is a monday!!! the only think im excited about is i get to drive to school!!! im so looking forward to that haha coz i hardly get a chance to drive to school... anyways tomorrow is also my 37th mth anniversary and thinking of where i can actually bring her... oh man i got school tomorrow.. thats sickening but well only 2 days of school left... anyways today went quite like a bore like other sundays... woke up early to send Callie to school hen came back.. had a short nap.. got up and did some reading(i know its hard to believe)... well then i went to play soccer in the evening at simei... quite allright and got a few knocks here and there.. but thats football rite?? anyways after that i went home and juz lazed around the whole evening and watching Miami Ink now... its a must that i get a tattoo there at least once in my life.. they are happening man... anyways yea so ill continue watcing coz i dunno what to say anymore since i have said everything... so ill catch up with u guys soon.. cya arnd pplz ~CeSc~

3-0 to the Arsenal!!!!!!

2006-12-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

At last after 2 miserable defeats the ARSENAL win their arch rivals 3-0 over their derby losers. Only watched the 2nd half as i went to watch movie with my baby, nervin, babu, shai and muthu.... we watched.. hmmm.. halls of decks or something.. quite funny and interesting... a chirstmas movie showing enemity between neighbours and ended happily, as usual... i think the last movie i watched that had a superb ending was DIL SE a long long time ago when they juz bombed each other and died.. haha thats hilarious but it was a flop in India... anyways after the movie i came back and Risshabh was at my place... he has started walking.. a cute little fellar... then i watched the great win that has shut all the Spurs fans complaining that we won on controversial goals.. but 3-0 aint controversial people.. Spurs were lucky enuf to finish the game with 11 men in the end... anyways it was great game with good atmosphere.. anyways gng to bed now need to send my poor baby to school.. poor Callie got school on Sundays.. so anyways cya ppl adious ~CeSc~

Another day at school

2006-12-01T13:29:00.000+08:00

School can be such a bore i swear! I reached like at 10am when i was suppose to be at 8.30am... merely coz i couldnt get up.. haha... anyways we are like suppose to learn how to totally format a computer so we had to rent a computer and try to format it.. y did people make computers so complicating... it can seriously be a big headache.. anyways looking forward to soccer later and wil be fetching my baby from her class at 9 plus.. how could people actually make classes so late.. poor girl.. anyways its Friday and looking forward to the weekend ahead!!! till then adious!!!

What's wrong with people nowadays

2006-11-30T19:41:00.000+08:00

you know some people just put their ego infront of everything else... more like slutiness... making out with other people is nothing to this kinda people, like a hobby or something.. thats nothing.. the best part is influencing the younger ones that they are not in the wrong is another thing they do.. can u actually believe that!!!! I feel sad for this kids.. being shown the wrong part of life by their elders.. elders not meaning parents i should say... oh well if things like that happen now.. whats next? the generation is getting more and more scarier... like a disease that the younger ones are becoming worst and worst... so young and acting in such disrespectful manners.. they probably think they are doing the right thing coz they have been looking up to these people since young but sometimes u gotta think yourself... i guess they juz dont... pity them.. if u only they had better peers to look up to... thats all for now.. adieous ~CeSc~

Wondering mood

2006-11-30T08:51:00.000+08:00

U know im always wondering... what actually happens to us after death... i mean like where do we go what we become and life after death. There was once a priest said 'Why do we celebrate our birthday.... dont u know that we are getting closer and closer to death everytime we celebrate. This is so true and it scares the shit outta me. I think im lieing if im saying im not afraid of death. Probably people with full ego think that...Anyways yea i read a book on this kinda thing and it freaks me out. Its all about karma and if karma is true, i have to do a lottt of good things to 'delete' all the bad things i have done. This is really scary shit. OK ill get back to my school work now.... cya people!

A long tiring day

2006-11-28T18:44:00.000+08:00

It was a very tiring day at school today. Firstly slept really late staying up wit her until she finished her work. Had web applications module today. Jesling the ultimate php coder didnt come so it was left to us to do our work. Well somehow we go it all done. Had to go for a talk to get points to graduate. The talk prolonged an hour so we had to stay after the appropriate finishing time... oh well at least im home now lazing around. Gotta get some sleep man!

hey people

2006-11-27T11:20:00.000+08:00

this is my first blog and i have no idea what to do.